If you are one to choose a word to help guide you in the coming year, then you know how much thought and careful planning goes into choosing it. This word helps define what you want to accomplish, it can keep you motivated, give you strength to draw upon when you are weak & lift you up when you've been knocked down.
The word I chose for 2013 was "LIVE"-but what I had in mind and what the universe had in store for me were complete polar opposites. I believe in the end, my word did exactly what & why I choose a word in the first place-but only AFTER I dug deep & 100% accepted this to be true.
It seems only fitting to share my 2014 word here today, as it is the one year anniversary that all hell broke loose in my world and my word "LIVE" began it's job to guide me (I just didn't know it at the time.) Many of you know that on 10-29 I lost my mom. What you may not know is that a year ago I lived through my mother's suicide attempt. It wasn't the quiet kind of attempt, but the "Oh My G-d what a mess kind."
I lived through facing my estranged brother for the 1st time in 15 years cleaning up what my mother left behind.
Can I just interject that the one beautiful gift I have received through all of this, is my brother again. We have worked out a lot of garbage & now have a wonderful, budding relationship. I've even gained a sister-in-law that has really enriched my life.
I lived through the horror of seeing my once beautiful mother severely depressed and looking like a concentration camp survivor. I lived through being away from home, weeks at a time, often missing holidays, caring for my parents once my mom came home.
I lived through having to place my dad in a nursing home due to advance stages of dementia that was getting worse rather quickly. I sifted, waded, met deadlines and almost drowned in the mountains of paperwork to get Medicaid for my dad.
I lived through my grandmother's passing and flying to PA to finalize funeral arrangements because my dad had forgotten he even had a mother.
I lived through my brothers 1st heart attack. (Thank goodness he's ok now).
All in all, there were 5 flights to Pensacola-none good. There were phone calls nearly everyday that never seemed to bare good news. There were countless sleepless nights, anxiety filled days, texts and e-mails to family & friends that just got harder and harder to send.
I lived through finally finding my mom an Independent Senior Living Community that she loved & was supposed to spend the rest of her golden years enjoying only to find out she had stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. I lived through sitting next to her 24/7 for the last week of her life and watched her take her last breath.
This last year has taught me so much about myself. You know what? I turned out to be one tough cookie when faced with daunting, unsettling, tasks, and 100's of agonizing decisions.
2014 will be the year that I give myself permission to:
B R E A T H E
Did you hear that?
That was me sighing the sweetest sound. Frankie found this necklace on ETSY & gave it to me during Hannukah after I told him my 2014 word.
This year though, there are no preconceived ideas and/or expectations. I've made peace with what I'll never have answers to, I'm healing my soul and wounded heart, I'm absorbing life's gifts that have been given to me, and most importantly I'm being kind and gentle to myself knowing I've just lived through hell and back.
Happy (find your strength) snapping